


It's A Blunt-Filled Life

by j_crew_guy



Category: Askewniverse
Genre: Christmas, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-15
Updated: 2009-11-15
Packaged: 2017-10-02 23:59:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/j_crew_guy/pseuds/j_crew_guy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Silent Bob wonders how different the world would be if he had never been born.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's A Blunt-Filled Life

"Fine!" Jay yelled at the departing figure. "If that's the way you feel about it, then get the fuck outta here!" He grabbed an ornament from the tree and hurled it at the door that was slammed in his face.

Stupid fucking useless holiday, Silent Bob thought as he stalked away from the apartment. Stupid little shit had to ruin everything. Fuck him. Moronic stoner prick.

Bob's thoughts continued in this vein as he walked, paying no attention to the cold night air. His anger dissipated, leaving him feeling depressed. He paused on an overpass and looked down at the cars speeding below. Maybe I should, he thought. Dickehead obviously thinks he'd be better off without me. He gripped the cold metal of the railing with his bare hands, not caring if they froze onto there and thought about it. Really thought about it.

His musings were interrupted by a familiar voice.

"So you and the little stoner have one bad fight and you think about chucking yourself off of an overpass? Some days I wonder why She even bothers with the likes of you."

Silent Bob's eyes widened as he turned his head and saw Metatron standing there.

"Don't act so bloody surprised. Despite the drug peddling your friend has done, the two of you have also done a lot of good."

Bob shrugged as if to say, "I guess so." He was nothing if not humble.

"So you think that little stoner would have been better off without you? She begs to differ, and I've been sent to prove it to you."

Silent Bob raised an eyebrow as if he was saying, "Prove it?"

"Yes, bloody well prove it. Take my hand and we can get this over with," Metatron sighed as he held one hand out towards Bob.

Silent Bob took Metatron's hand and gasped as the night and the overpass disappeared. They were replaced with a sight Bob hadn't seen in years. The high school he had attended with Jay.

But Silent Bob wasn't there now. So there was no fat kid for Jay to mock and eventually befriend in detention. No one for Jay to hang out with after school and get high with.

Bob watched in horror as "highlights" from this Jay's life were shown to him. How Jay got into harder drugs and how that led to prison. Silent Bob tried to close his eyes when Jay went to prison, but it was no use. The images were in his mind.

There were tears in Bob's eyes as he watched Jay's hair get shorn. Silent Bob began to openly cry when a grizzled prisoner made Jay his bitch. It got worse, as Jay became a hardened victim of the system. When Jay was released from jail, he simply returned to the life he had  
led before.

Silent Bob turned to Metatron with tears in his eyes.

"All right, you've seen enough of that. But don't think his is the only life you've had an impact on."

Silent Bob wiped the tears from his eyes with a sleeve and watched as the scene before his eyes became the loft that Banky and Holden shared. They weren't working on Bluntman &amp; Chronic, however. They were barely speaking to each other.

Bob glanced at the drawing boards they used and saw that they had sketches and titles for various comic books. None of them featured Bluntman &amp; Chronic or any variation on those heroes.

"Our lease is up at the end of the month," Holden quietly told Banky.

"Fine," was Banky's reply. "I'll have my stuff out by then."

Holden sighed. "It doesn't have to be like this, Bank."

"Yes it does. We're not coming up with a goddamned thing and it's affecting our friendship. I'm sorry, but I value you more than coming up with some underground book that five people might read."

"So why are you moving out? Why not stay? We can live here and not talk business."

"No, we can't. We fucking can't and you know it, Holden. God, you're such a whiny bitch sometimes. Forget collaborating. We should each do our own fucking thing."

Silent Bob shook his head sadly. He'd heard that Banky and Holden were e-mailing each other now, which was a start. What he was seeing wasn't right.

Metatron snorted. "Just wait. It gets better."

Silent Bob blinked and found himself and Metatron standing before the gates of Miramax Studios. "Look familiar? It should. Let's go to Soundstage 37."

Metatron and Bob stood in the middle of the set as preparations carried on around them for filming. No one noticed their presence. Silent Bob cocked his head and looked at Metatron.

"Very good, you've figured out that no one can see or hear us. Takes some people forever to figure that one out."

A production assistant stepped in front of them and used the clapboard. "Walt &amp; Steve-Dave: The Movie, take three."

"Action!" called the director.

Silent Bob turned to Metatron with an expression of mock horror on his face.

"I told you," Metatron smirked.

Bob shook his head as if to say, "No more."

"We're not done yet," Metatron told him. "She's got one more thing She wants you to see."

The soundstage shifted away and Bob found himself with Metatron, standing in the parking lot of a familiar-looking abortion clinic. It was night, and Bethany was walking to her car. Silent Bob could only watch, horrified as the Stygian Triplets fell upon her.

"Because you and that lifemate of yours weren't there, she died. And Bartleby and Loki managed to undo existence."

Metatron waved his hand and Silent Bob found they were in what amounted to nothingness. There was nothing where they were, except for them.

"Changed your mind?" Metatron asked Bob.

Silent Bob nodded with red-rimmed eyes.

"She thought you might," Metatron smirked. He snapped his fingers and Silent Bob looked around. They were on the overpass again.

Silent Bob pulled his hands off of the railing and wrapped Metatron in an embrace.

"You lot are always so emotional," Metatron said disgustedly. "You'd better hurry back. God only knows what *he's* gotten into while you were gone."

Silent Bob released Metatron and started to run in the direction of home. After a few steps, he turned and yelled, "Thank you!!!!"

"You're welcome," Metatron told him. "I always did like that one. He's actually polite," he commented to himself as he disappeared in a flash of light.

Back at the apartment, Jay hadn't done anything terrible after Bob's departure. He had knocked a few ornaments off of the tree and then collapsed onto the couch. After a few minutes of that, Jay grew worried. He wondered where the fuck Bob could have gone and began  
pacing around, worried as hell.

Jay was interrupted, mid-pace when the door to the apartment opened and Silent Bob walked in.

"Where the hell have you been? Who the fuck do you think you are, walking out of here without sayin' a goddamned-"

Bob interrupted Jay by grabbing him and kissing him passionately. Bob's fingers ran through Jay's long hair and Bob nearly wept at the sensation.

Jay broke off the kiss and looked at Bob.

Silent Bob cleared his throat and looked at Jay. "I'm sorry."

"Fucking-tubby-bitch-making-me-worry-like-that-walking-out-of-here-slamming-the-goddamn-door-  
I'm-sorry-too-take-me-into-the-bedroom-and-I'll-give-you-a-fucking-present," Jay said in one long breath.

Bob smiled and put an arm around Jay's shoulders as he led him towards the bedroom.

Elsewhere, Metatron looked at God, annoyed. "I hope you're happy. I was finally winning a poker game with Gabriel and you called me away for that."

God simply smiled at him.


End file.
